From trauma to trust

Whether you have children of your own or not, when you foster a child, you can’t approach their care in the same way you would children of your own. Every interaction needs to come from a place of understanding how their trauma impacts their thoughts, feelings, behaviours and the way they relate to others.

That’s why when you join ISP, you’ll receive extensive foster parent training that will help you see the world through the eyes of children in your care. During your assessment, you’ll complete our Prepare to Foster training, which introduces you to the role of a foster parent, reflective practice, and therapeutic relationships.

Then, once you’re approved, you’ll start our Mandatory training and enrol in our Therapeutic Pathway Programme, which will teach you the latest therapeutic parenting approaches. You’ll also have opportunities to complete advanced training courses and qualifications, all of which will help you better understand the experiences of children living with trauma.

Often, people mistake setting boundaries as creating lots of rules. When what setting boundaries actually means is creating routine and structure, things that we all need to feel secure. This could include the same mealtimes and bedtimes, screen time limits, and respecting each other’s space, privacy and belongings.

Many children in care have lived in unstable environments where mealtimes, bedtimes and even caregiver behaviour were erratic. They may have had their needs met on one day, but then had to find a way to meet them on their own the next.

Creating boundaries and sticking to them can help children feel safe in your care, which in turn will strengthen their attachment to you because they know that you’ll always meet their needs, building trust.

Imagine you need help with something – maybe you’re moving house and need someone to lift boxes, or you’re planning a get-together and need some assistance setting up.   A friend or family member agrees to help but then at the last minute doesn’t show up. Regardless of their reasons (or excuses), you probably won’t ask for their help again, because their word is unreliable, and your relationship may suffer as some of your trust in them has gone.

It’s the same for young people in your care. To build a strong attachment, you have to follow through on the things you say you’ll do. Whether it’s helping them sort out a problem at school or even something small like giving them the ice cream you promised they could have, your words only have weight and build trust when you follow through with actions.

Many children in care have been let down and had promises broken, but when you consistently stick to your word and show them that you’ll always do what you say you will, they’ll feel more secure in their relationship with you.

Many children and young people in care struggle to manage their emotions because they’ve missed out on co-regulation – a crucial stage of development where a caregiver helps the child process their feelings until they learn how to regulate themselves. They may have also lived in a home where they weren’t safe to express themselves because it would lead to punishment or rejection.

Using the PACE parenting approach can help children feel safe and connected, even when they’re experiencing big emotions, strengthening their attachment to you. Here’s a summary of the PACE principles:

• Playfulness: This means bringing light-hearted and playful moments into everyday life, such as singing a silly song together, which helps you connect. However, there is a time and a place for playfulness; for instance, cracking a joke while they’re upset could make things worse. Instead, during tense moments, elements of the playfulness principle, such as using a light tone of voice, a soft facial expression and coming down to their level, could help them calm down and regulate their emotions.
• Acceptance: This means suspending judgment and showing a child that you accept them for who they are and that their internal world is safe with you. For example, if they break something because they’re upset, you could say, ‘I understand you’re upset, but breaking things is not okay. Maybe we could find a new way for you to express your frustration?’
• Curiosity: This means showing that you’re interested in your child’s internal world and want to understand what’s behind a certain behaviour. For example, you could say something like, ‘I’m wondering if you broke that toy because you were feeling angry’. This gives them an opportunity to open up about what’s really going on inside.
• Empathy: This means showing your child that they’re not alone in their feelings and that you’ll get through it together. It’s about demonstrating that you ‘get it’ by responding to their behaviour with empathy, such as, ‘You really wanted to play for longer. I know you were having so much fun, and it’s so annoying that we had to leave.”

When you’re busy taking care of children and young people, working hard to build a bond with them and help them heal from their trauma, it can be easy to set aside your own needs. Although you may be able to manage doing so for a short time, in the long run, it could have negative impacts on your well-being and lead to burnout.

From feeling irritable and exhausted to a loss of motivation and isolating yourself from others, burnout has a range of symptoms that could affect your relationship with the child in your care.

That’s why it’s important to reach out for support and lean on other foster parents, as well as allotting time for yourself to rest and recharge. This way, you can continue to feel your best, giving you the energy, patience, and resilience needed to nurture your relationship with the child in your care.