The Truth About Gentle Parenting: Common Misconceptions

There seems to be a new parenting approach trending every other month, and with it, a lot of opinions about whether it will help or hinder children’s development into fully functional, independent adults.

In recent years, one parenting approach in particular has gained quite the reputation – ‘gentle parenting’. The problem is that many people misunderstand what it really involves, often mistaking it for letting children ‘rule the roost’.

That’s why we’re taking a closer look at gentle parenting to help you understand what it is and what it’s not, why it’s popular, and how it actually works in everyday family life.

What is gentle parenting?

Gentle parenting rose to fame between 2015 and 2016 when Sarah Ockwell-Smith coined the term in her parenting book, The Gentle Parenting Book.

Thanks to social media, it has evolved into various forms and been given many different names, leaving people confused about what gentle parenting actually means.

Passive parenting vs gentle parenting

Many people confuse gentle parenting with passive parenting, which typically means:

No household rules or routines.
Letting children have the final say.
Never saying ‘no’.
Lack of encouragement or expectations.
Avoiding difficult conversations.
Always giving in to your child.
Acting more like a friend than a parent.

How does gentle parenting work?

Gentle parenting is more intentional and hands-on. At its core, it’s about treating children with empathy, respect, and understanding while enforcing loving boundaries that help them feel safe and secure.

The idea is that this will help them grow into well-rounded adults who can self-regulate their emotions and are generally happier than those who’ve been brought up using more traditional parenting methods.

Is gentle parenting effective?

Traditional parenting methods, like authoritarian parenting, centre around controlling a child’s behaviour through fear and punishment. While this might work in the short term, it doesn’t actually teach a child how to behave or manage their emotions. Instead, they learn that their emotions aren’t safe with their parents, which in the long term can be detrimental to their mental health.

Gentle parenting, on the other hand, focuses on maintaining a secure attachment and taking children as they are, rather than only accepting them when they’re amiable and compliant.

The gentle parenting approach is effective because it focuses on:

Being a teacher, not a dictator: Instead of just telling a child what to do, gentle parents teach and guide them by helping them understand the ‘why’ behind decisions and offering them choices, so they feel part of the decisions and eventually learn how to make the right ones on their own.
Looking beyond behaviour: Much like therapeutic parenting, the gentle approach encourages parents to look at the reasons for a child’s behaviour to understand the root cause.
Meeting children where they are: Sometimes parents mistake normal behaviour for being problematic. Gentle parents take the time to learn where their child is in their development and meet them there.
Leading by example: Gentle parents are realistic role models. They don’t try to be perfect; instead, they show children how to deal with things when they mess up and cope with the complex emotions we all feel.
Consistent boundaries: Structure helps children feel safe because they know what to expect and when. That’s why developing a healthy routine and consistent boundaries are such a big part of gentle parenting. Although children can push back to begin with, over time, they can support children’s confidence, reduce anxiety, and prevent meltdowns.
Connection before correction: Instead of correcting a child who is showing big emotions and is clearly dysregulated, gentle parents will co-regulate and help their child settle before speaking with them about their behaviour and coming up with a solution together.

Gentle parenting techniques

When Sarah Ockwell-Smith appeared on The Happy Pear podcast, she explained that there are no set techniques or strict rules for parents to follow when using a gentle parenting approach.

It’s about trying your best to encompass the four main pillars in your everyday life. Let’s take a look at these in more detail, including some gentle parenting examples to help you understand how each pillar works in practice.

Empathy

Traditional parenting methods don’t consider a child’s thoughts and feelings; they expect children to comply without question. They also focus on the way the child makes their parents feel, which can teach them that only certain emotions are safe to share.

Gentle parenting, on the other hand, encourages you to validate your child’s thoughts and emotions by actively listening to what they’re trying to say and showing them that you understand how difficult things feel for them right now.

How to show your child empathy

If your child is getting upset because they want another biscuit and throws a toy at you, but you’ve said ‘no’, instead of ignoring them or telling them off for showing their frustration, you might say something like ‘I know it’s frustrating, but if we eat all the biscuits today, we won’t have any left for tomorrow’ before removing the toy as a consequence for throwing it.

You might then give them a cuddle to help them regulate, and once they feel better, talk to them about how the word ‘no’ made them feel and explain to them why we don’t throw things.

By approaching the situation in this way, you’re:

Validating their experience.
Helping them name the emotion.
Helping them understand why that boundary has been enforced.
Preventing the situation from escalating.
Teaching them how to regulate their emotions through co-regulation.
Helping them learn that actions have consequences.
Showing them that their feelings are safe with you.

Showing your child empathy helps build and maintain your bond. Whereas dismissing their emotions or punishing them for feelings they’re yet to understand and learn how to control, is more likely to damage your bond.

Respect

Parents who use traditional parenting approaches demand that their children show them respect, but often fail to show their children the same regard. Telling a child what to do and punishing them for pushing back doesn’t actually build respect; it builds fear and prevents children from learning how to make decisions for themselves.

This element of gentle parenting is about treating your child the way you’d like to be treated – as the person they are, rather than someone to boss around. Children need to feel like they’re considered in decisions and that their voices are heard. Not only will this positively impact your relationship, but it will also teach them how to speak up for themselves and make decisions in the future.

How to show your child respect

Showing your child respect can be as simple as knocking on their bedroom door before entering and not going through their personal belongings without asking. It’s also about showing them the same courtesy as you expect them to show you, such as saying please and thank you, or apologising when you’ve made a mistake.

Even when you’re enforcing a boundary, there are still ways to do it so your child feels respected. For example, if it’s close to bedtime and they’ve recently started to resist this time of day, you could ask them to pick their pyjamas and a story to read. This will distract them from the physical act of going to bed and will give them some autonomy over this time of day.

Understanding

While traditional parenting styles tend to disregard the child’s experience, gentle parenting looks to understand the world through the child’s eyes.

It’s about having realistic expectations about where a child is in their development and what they can do, rather than what society expects them to do. Often, behaviour that pushes the boundaries, sleep regressions, and changes in food preferences are actually part of normal childhood behaviour and understanding this can help you meet your child where they are.

It also means looking beyond your child’s behaviour to understand what’s really upsetting them. Are they tired or hungry? Has something happened at school? Do they just need some quiet time to decompress after a long day? Showing big emotions is usually a symptom of another issue, not the issue itself.

How to understand your child

You can build a better understanding of your child by being curious about what is causing a certain behaviour.

For example, if they have always loved school but have recently started getting very upset in the morning, feigning illness more often, and returning in a bad mood, something may be going on.

The best way to find out is by speaking with your child when they’re in a regulated state, perhaps on a walk or while you’re engaged in another activity. To avoid interrogating your child, you might start talking about your day and then say something like, ‘What were the best and hardest parts of your day?’ Open questions invite your child to say something other than ‘Yes’ or ‘No’, which will help you get to the bottom of the issue and help you understand how your child might be feeling right now.

Boundaries

Most parenting methods have rules and boundaries, but what sets them apart is the way they are enforced. With authoritarian parenting, children might be punished for crossing a line, which doesn’t teach them how to behave in the future.

However, with gentle parenting, although there are consequences for a child’s negative actions, these are usually directly linked to their behaviour. For example, if they throw a toy, that toy will be removed.

In the short term, it’s about staying calm, helping a child regulate and preventing them from hurting themselves or anyone else. And in the long term, it’s about repeatedly teaching children how to respond to situations in a healthier way until it becomes ingrained.

How to enforce boundaries

From screen time limits to mealtimes and bedtimes, children need boundaries to help them thrive. Enforcing boundaries, on the other hand, can be difficult at times, so here are some things that can help:

Make them clear: Instead of telling a child what not to do, help them understand what it is they need to do instead. For example, instead of saying, ‘Stop shouting’, you could say, ‘Let’s use our normal voice’.
Give them choices: Give your child some control within the boundary. For example, if they resist brushing their teeth because they hate the taste of their toothpaste, help them pick a new one.

Show empathy: Let them know that you understand that they’re upset, frustrated, or angry, before reinforcing the boundary. For example, if they’re upset that screen time is over, you might say, ‘I understand you’re upset because you like watching your show, but it’s time to turn off the iPad now’. Then redirect them to another activity.
Always follow through: If there is a consequence for pushing a boundary, make sure it’s always used to reinforce it to help your child learn.
Use tools to help: Tools like visual timers can help children move from one activity to the next. For instance, you might tell your child that in five minutes, they need to have a bath, before setting a timer. Seeing the time reduce can help children understand the concept of time and make transitions smoother.

Gentle parenting in fostering

Gentle parenting is an effective technique for helping to raise and guide children, as it balances respect and nurture with clear and consistent boundaries. While every child is different, many of the principles behind gentle parenting – patience, empathy, consistency and understanding behaviour rather than simply reacting to it – closely align with therapeutic fostering.

Children in care may have experienced trauma, loss or instability, which can affect how they communicate their emotions and build trust with adults. By using gentle parenting techniques – creating calm, nurturing environments where children feel listened to, respected and safe – foster parents can help them begin to heal, build confidence and develop positive relationships.

Learn more about therapeutic fostering

If you’d like to learn more about therapeutic fostering, call us on 0800 0857 989 or submit your details via our enquiry form, and we’ll call you. You can also find out more on our knowledge hub, updated regularly with the latest information about therapeutic foster care.

Download our transfer guide

We can fast-track your assessment in 12 weeks, so you can enjoy the benefits of our supportive community much sooner than you might think.

Download our transfer fostering agency guide to learn more about the process and benefits of working with ISP.

DOWNLOAD GUIDE

Learn about trauma…

Secure Base Model Explained

Explore the benefits of the Secure Base model and how it helps children in care feel safe and secure.