Navigating the Emotional Challenges of Being in Care at Christmas

Young people in care have often had to live through frightening, unsettling and painful experiences that they had no control over. When you allow them to make decisions, you help them develop a sense of autonomy. It also opens a window into their internal world as you invite them to express their thoughts and feelings about plans. 

So, involve them in planning and allow them to make some choices. Encourage them to ask questions and ensure they understand what will happen and when. Once plans are made, you could create a visual calendar that provides a clear breakdown of activities throughout the festive season and pop it in an accessible location so they know exactly what to expect. 

Christmas often involves multiple social gatherings, celebrations, and festive activities. This can be particularly challenging for young people in care. These events may remind them of difficult Christmas memories or provoke feelings of guilt for celebrating without their birth families. 

Their trauma may also mean that they are constantly on high alert, scanning their environment for potential threats. As a result, they can become overstimulated by the festive cheer as new sensations flood their senses.

So when organising Christmas celebrations, collaborate with the organisers to ensure they cater to your young person's needs. If you're visiting friends and family, you could suggest a code word to your young person they can use if they feel uncomfortable or overwhelmed. 

Don't be afraid to decline invites if your young person isn't happy with the plans or if you think it would be too much for them. Christmas could also be the wrong time to introduce your young person to new people. Their past experiences may mean they struggle to trust adults, and meeting new people could add additional stress to this already anxiety-inducing season.

Some young people in care can have a complicated relationship with food. They may have come from a household where food was scarce or had food withdrawn. 

Food can be a significant part of festive traditions, but the vast availability of it over Christmas could present struggles for the child in your care. They may hoard food, become preoccupied with food or over-eat if they struggle to recognise when they feel full. They may also be unfamiliar with traditional Christmas food and could feel anxious about what they'll be served on Christmas day.

Ask your young person what they'd like to see on the Christmas menu, and consider offering food throughout the day instead of eating it all in one sitting. Remind them that if they're hungry, they can always ask for more food, and it's okay to stick to your usual food schedule if you think this would benefit their well-being.

Giving and receiving gifts can be one of the most enjoyable parts of Christmas. However, for children in care, it can be both exciting and scary as they anticipate what they may receive but also how they should respond. 

Their past experiences may have taught them that gift-giving is a conditional experience, and people expect you to do something in return. They may also have never received a gift from a caregiver, so seeing multiple Christmas presents under the tree could be overwhelming. 

Ask your young person to write a Christmas wish list and then carefully select a few from that list. Try to limit the amount of presents you buy and spread the unwrapping throughout the day or over a few days to prevent them from becoming overwhelmed. Consider also their sensory needs, using alternative materials to wrap their presents if brightly coloured and noisy paper could overstimulate them. 

Some children may not react to gifts in the way you’d expect; they may feel guilty or angry that their own family can't provide the same experience.

When your young person has been surrounded by Christmas joy all day or hears peers at school discussing festive fun with their family, they may come home feeling drained, upset and overloaded with emotion. So, their home should be a safe haven where they can relax, unwind and regulate their emotions. Be mindful of how you decorate your home for the festive season, keeping it low-key and as tranquil as possible and be ready for them to offload when they walk in. 

You can help them regulate by trying to stick to a familiar routine. Routine offers children in care stability and comfort, which is especially needed during this emotionally charged season. You could also include time spent in nature and calming rituals that bring them back into the moment, like wrapping themselves in their favourite blanket or reading a story. 

As their foster parent, feeling connected to you will help them feel safer and more grounded, so dedicate some time each day to reconnect. This could include a walk in the park, baking together, or just chatting about your day.

No matter what kind of relationship your young person has had with their parents, they may deeply miss them over the Christmas period. So they'll need your compassion, support, and love to help them navigate these emotions and maintain a feeling of connection with their birth family. 

You can support them with this by encouraging them to make a thoughtful Christmas card or by taking them on a shopping trip to buy a small gift for the parents to place under the Christmas tree. This way, your young person will feel connected to both you as their foster family and their birth family.

If your young person attends family time during the festive period, they may feel upset if they don't receive a gift from their parents. Your support will be instrumental in helping them process their disappointment, so be prepared to offer a listening ear, comfort and empathy.

You may have expectations about how Christmas should be, but Christmas isn’t about the perfect presents, decorations or food. It’s about the small moments and time spent nurturing the bond between you and your young person. 

It's about helping them feel physically and emotionally safe while creating new traditions that will stay with them beyond care. Most of all, it's about supporting them on their healing journey by guiding them through Christmas with patience, love and empathy.